| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|11:12 am] |
Happy birthday BG!!!!
<3 <3 |
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| from the bottom of my heart |
[Feb. 3rd, 2006|11:54 pm] |
I've come to realize now that it is my own fault that I'm so lonely. The way I treat people and my attitude pushes everyone away. It's not just something I can apologize and expect forgiveness for. The damage I've done is irrepairable. I've lost almost everyone I care for. I blame the problems in my life for my anger and hostility, but those very things are what causes so many of my problems in the first place. I'm selfish and greedy, and what I don't get is because of the way I treat people. It's no wonder no one wants to take advantage of the benefits a friendship with me has to offer, because sometimes it's just not worth it. I'm not worth dealing with. If I were my own friend, I would've written me off a long time ago. Maybe I already have, and that's why I've become to reliant on what others think of me. I can't ask others to define my value as anything more than what I give them, but I do anyway. I get angry when how people treat me shows I am worthless, but I fail to see the things I've done is what makes this so.
I want everyone to forgive me, but I've said it to someone else and it also applies to me.. words are meaningless if your actions do not follow through.
In my build-up to a desperate situation, I treat everyone like shit. When I find myself in times of dire need, like last night, that is why no one is there to help. No one can rescue me from myself without sacrificing their own life, and no one feels their life is worth it. I've done the same for others, I've left them hanging when they needed me. That's not always the case, but if I do sacrifice anything, I don't get credit for it because what does one time matter among all those times I wasn't there?
I am the root of all my problems. I will never have any friendships unless I am happy with myself. I need to gain my own stability as no one else will give it to me. People are there as support and not as the answer itself.
In conclusion, I want to express the deep sorrow I feel for everyone I've hurt, neglected, punished, and lashed out at during the times I had no right to do so. I want to apologize to all of my friends, and I want to show you that I'm sorry by changing. I have no right to ask for second chances, but I will be content with the hope that we can eventually have a true and mutually beneficial friendship. |
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| work schedule |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|12:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | suck my | ] |
| [ | music |
| | balls | ] |
Sunday: 2PM-11PM
Monday: 9:30AM-6:30PM
Tuesday: 7:30AM-4:30PM |
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| this entry is for you |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|10:49 pm] |
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......................................................................... |
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| The Bell Jar |
[May. 6th, 2005|11:04 am] |
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor... and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. |
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